Renovation of the Human Heart
November 17, 2019DIGITAL VIEWERS (viewing on social media/blog): please take the time to listen to the song “House on a Hill” by Amanda Lindsey Cook before/while you view these photos + read the statement (link below). You won’t understand what’s happening without reading + listening, as this is the most vulnerable I have been EVER. Each part of this is crucial.
- Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/6Jp3Z3rrb2sfZjVmDhD2Jq?si=MfUx8nwaRw272VI376vdxA
- YouTube: https://youtu.be/hLI7eiGZeB8
PREFACE:
Please feel free to observe (touch, pick up, look thru) the items you see here, from the inside of my heart. The papers on the floor no longer have a place in my heart. But they never stray far; they are my scars and/or reoccurring wounds.
ARTIST STATEMENT
Some people search their whole lives for a steady foundation, for their identity + purpose, for true love, for truth + understanding, for justice, for an eternal comfort.
For me, searching for all of these things led to lots of failure, great loss, and many desperate attempts to find light in rabbit holes of darkness which only pulled me further into darkness. And eventually, I convinced myself I was comfortable living in my dark rabbit hole. I made my home there in that tomb, and did not see the dark creatures who lived there with me. They convinced me I was comfortable and that where I was living was normal. My spirit withered away, day by day; too weak to argue with the darkness.
So with my last drop of strength [revealing all of my weaknesses], I cried out helplessly to God. I just gave up. And He met me there in my dark place, in the middle of my mess. He had been there all along. He brings forth light from Himself and transfers it to our hearts. With His light (love), He redeems us out of darkness and does not let death have the last word. He stands for us where we cannot. He brings light in our lives where we cannot. He carries us back to the surface to breathe, and continues to carry us each day that we ask Him.
And even though temptation lurks more each day around every corner, shame and deceit wait at my doorstep, arrows fly my way by noon, and fear used to be my god: I’m not that person anymore. I have realized that following Jesus (having a relationship with Him) AND growing in my faith (and thus ALL things in life) means these three things:
1. Finding my identity entirely upon who He says I am by learning who He is (the relationship)
2. Denying my old identity by believing Him and filling my heart + mind with His Word (Promises + Oath)
3. Trusting Him a teeny bit, then the next day, trusting a teeny bit more, and then a bit more, and then more and more and more and more until BAM you get to (some sort of place) where you start doing things, experiencing things, and seeing things you have never done, felt, or seen before. And you look back and you’re like: WOW. He did that too. All I brought for Him was the smallest bit of trust/faith, and He made a garden grow from ashes in my heart.
“What’s the point in all this?”
I’m more myself today than I could have ever dreamed of being. Getting to know Jesus means also getting to know yourself based on the actual only truth that is real. THE TRUTH HEALS. The truth is unshakeable JOY. The truth is everlasting PEACE. The truth is the LORD loves you more than humans can even BEGIN to understand. He specifically + uniquely stitched us out of love, knows each one of us by name, and He sees each of our hearts. Whether we accept His love or not, He will always love us. Whether we run away from Him or we dive into the depths of His grace, He will never stop fighting for each of us.
The LORD is bigger than all of these things. His truth is much greater than any of these things. But this [the ending of The Maze,] is just the beginning of a new journey, a new way of living with the LORD. The heart of the Maze is my heart; it is under constant reconstruction by the LORD. It is my secret meeting place with my Savior. My heart is nowhere near perfection; but instead an open space for Love to have His way.
DETAILS OF THE PROCESS
These cards represent the lies I used to believe about my identity and my purpose. Some of them are older, others are current, and even new. Since I began this journey with Jesus, He has been throwing lies such as these (and many more) out of my heart, and replacing them with His truth concerning my identity and purpose. It wasn’t until this specific project (“Renovation of the Human Heart”), that my eyes have been opened to see how He has been + still is changing my pain into joy.
I feel that this public confession has been waiting on me to make its appearance in my work since last April. In my final project for my Conceptual Art + Theory class, “My Live Storybook,” I had intentions to publicly confess specific darknesses such as these, but it wasn’t the right time for me. I had only begun to scratch the surface of such a revelation at that time. I’m thankful for the Lord’s timing.
A HOLE IN THE MAZE
Fast forward to now, mid-November final projects, and the birth of “The Maze,” apparently this was the right time. I didn’t know that until approximately 16 hours before I presented “Renovation of the Human Heart.” My original intentions for my critique were to finish “The Maze,” and to reveal “The Heart of the Maze” (which was initially supposed to be Maddie’s conclusion of who Jesus is + what it means for humans today). But it wasn’t the right time for that either. Hours before my final critique, someone came through the School of Design and ripped down three pathways from phase 2 of “The Maze.” I was devastated. I had been studying my life away, writing a ton, and making many intricate pieces for each extension/next phase of each pathway for my project. So I show up to school that day to install phase 3, only to realize phase 2 of my pathways for the Gospel according to Matthew, Mark, and Luke had been ripped down. They were in secluded spots, and had to be found by following phase 1 for each of those pathways.
I’m no stranger to persecution…we got fully acquainted last spring with the very first Christian work I presented, “Self Portrait of My Soul,” and literally every project since then. I could have been upset, but it wouldn’t have brought my work back. It was stolen from me. But then I realized, wow! Someone ripped down my maze! My work touched someone’s heart in a big way, and they simply reacted. Although stealing/vandalizing is wrong, this [persecution] is a huge part of following Christ; and I had not yet addressed that in my maze yet. Following Jesus is not easy. Claiming His good news requires from humans a reaction, and there are only two options: follow Him or reject Him. I’ve experienced both reactions myself. If the person who ripped down my work is reading this: thank you. Thank you for what you did. I understand why you did what you did, and I forgive you. Jesus loves you. And ripping down His message doesn’t change His promises, His grace, or His love for you.
THE BIRTH OF “RENOVATION OF THE HUMAN HEART”
So this made it quite obvious that “The Maze” and “The Heart of the Maze” would not be my final project as I thought. Of course, learning this only hours before critique meant Maddie became desperate for a new project. I straight up went home, got on my knees and cried out to the Lord, “WHY? I know this must be apart of Your plan. I see now Your plan doesn’t look the way I thought (what a surprise Maddie). So tell me- WHAT DO I DO NOW, LORD?!” I didn’t hurriedly begin making stuff blindly…I just worshipped Him, trusted Him, and kept crying out to Him over and over and over again. I read half of Hebrews, and I realized while listening to two new songs that I had found earlier that day, “Sing My Way Back,” by Steffany Gretzinger and “House on a Hill,” by Amanda Lindsey Cook, that the heart of my maze wouldn’t be Jesus’ heart, but instead my own heart. I had to stop what I was doing (“The Maze”), and explain why I was even doing any of this so that others may be able to relate and understand where I was coming from. I knew this would mean being more vulnerable than I had been ever before. It was time.
CREATING THE LIE CARDS
The point in “Renovation of the Human Heart” is to show why I’m making work about Jesus by presenting my past + current darknesses, lies I’ve believed for far too long, personal struggles in every facet of my life, and to show how the Lord is dealing with each of them on my behalf. He is healing me, one day at a time, one lie, one scar, one wound at a time. I knew I had to begin creating by starting in the exact place Jesus first met me…in the middle of my mess. So I got to work, and began with these cards which represent those darknesses/struggles.
Before I began writing them (which meant visiting each of these dark places, some of which I had not visited in a while, and others I did not even realize were lies still dwelling in my heart), I said a prayer to the Lord and asked Him to write them for me. I knew Maddie would be too weak to admit most of them…that my heart may grow heavy upon revisiting such things. And so they just began pouring out of me. Within an hours time, I had a stack of them. I put my pen down, and just wept. I couldn’t believe I had unknowingly allowed so many terrible lies to creep into my heart, and that I had allowed those lies to define my identity. I am so blown away at how the Lord works, that He chose ME (a nobody who almost lost everything due to my own selfishness), and how on that night, He gave me eyes to distinguish lies from truth. And just when I thought I had been blown away, the Lord gave me the authority to toss those lies out of my heart for good. Even though I used to live by these lies, even though these lies used to be my god: I don’t have to be that person. Through my faith, the Lord gave me the eyes to see lies from truth, the strength to put them in their place, and the perspective to see each day as a new opportunity to allow them back in my life or rise above the lies and believe His truth.
FILLING MY HEART
After writing my “lie cards” (for lack of better words), I began brainstorming what my heart could physically be represented as for critique. Earlier that week, I went on a mission to find a vintage suitcase. I don’t really know why other than I have been wanting one for quite some time now. I had intentions (or at least the excuse) to use the suitcase in an upcoming project, perhaps for next quarter. But on this crazy night before critique day, I saw the suitcase and immediately knew it would be used in this project to represent my heart. My brain validated this idea upon remembering that my first mural/installation, “Recollection of Dreams” (my last secular/non-Christian work), I used an old vintage chest to represent my brain. And it just clicked. My brain had been represented before as a chest, and now my heart would be represented (in the exact same location as before) by an old thrifted suitcase.
Next, I began collecting items to include in my (suitcase) heart. Not all the items I collected ended up making in my project. Some items I collected include:
- various bits of fabric
- a few small resin sculptures I created this past summer
- my little army of collaged (paper + fabric) stars also created over summer break
- my resin letter collection
- many unique resin stars created over summer break
- bead + scrabble letters
- an old painting I made when I was probably four years old of an overgrown rabbit creature
- a photo of my sister and me from my childhood (c. 1999)
- “My Journal v.I” (containing personal writings and divine realizations + Bible verses from the first 8 months of my journey as a follower of Jesus)
- my parents’ NLT Bible that they gave me with their names inscribed on the front cover
- a little pottery star I made at King’s Camp this past summer under the instruction of a dear friend
- a hand-painted hand fan with the word “Faith” painted in gold and white on the front; given to me by a complete stranger in a crowd of 80,000 people at Bonnaroo this past year, only moments after helping someone find their friends in a dark and large crowd of people
- one of my favorite childhood storybooks, “Guess How Much I Love You” by Sam McBratney
- a recently thrifted antique book, “The Coming King- Learn a Parable of the Fig Tree,” by James Edson White
- a gorgeous oversized antique radio, found on the side of the road in a box of trash for the dump to pick up
- NLT audio Bible
- “Victory” album from Bethel Music
SYMBOLISM OF OBJECTS
Although not all items were used, each of the items I did include were specifically chosen due to their spiritual significance + symbolism, as an honest representation of what currently resides in my heart. Here are some examples of a few re-occurring objects and their symbolic + spiritual significance:
1. Stars (of any kind of media): represent angels + divine messengers who continuously keep watch over me and minister to me (thru dreams/visions, music, and actual human beings); see Revelation 1:20
2. the Bible given to me from my parents: represents divine wisdom + fear of the Lord, humbling of personal expectations, and my spiritual food; this Bible specifically symbolizes how my parents have passed down their faith + divine wisdom to me
3. resin sculptures: the new truths that replaced the old lies which once resided in their place; lies written on paper cards to symbolize their temporary life span, while truths (resin sculptures) were carefully + thoughtfully created in resin to last longer than this lifetime.
4. old photographs from my childhood: represent humility, freedom granted by forgiveness, and surrendering trust in the Lord; see Matthew 18:1-6
5. inclusion of Biblical [Hebrew] name meanings: names + their meanings in the Bible have profound significance and are a testament to the true identity and purpose of each individual
THE SONG (“House on a Hill” by Amanda Lindsey Cook)
LINK:
- Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/6Jp3Z3rrb2sfZjVmDhD2Jq?si=MfUx8nwaRw272VI376vdxA
- YouTube: https://youtu.be/hLI7eiGZeB8
LYRICS:
It’s quiet
In this house upon a hill
You won’t mind it
Some things you can’t know till you’re still
In the silence
Where your spinning thoughts slow down
In the stillness
Things have a way of working out
Allow Me to introduce Myself again
I’m the One that knew you before time began
I’ve been waiting for you to let Me be your friend
Everything you ever need is everything I am
I Am, I Am, I Am
Take your chances
There’s nothing here to lose
Ask your questions
I promise you the truth
As you’re ready
I want to hear your heart
Is it heavy
Where wounds have left a mark?
Allow Me to introduce Myself again
I was with you every place you’ve ever been
I’m the One that held you when you couldn’t stand
If you’re wondering who can heal your brokenness
I can, I can, I can
I’ll meet you
In the house upon the hill
How I want to
Show you I am real
Allow Me to introduce Myself again
I’m the Love you used to think could not exist
I’m as sure as where you’re standing and as free as the wind
You don’t have to reach for Me, ‘cause this is where I am
I Am, I Am, I Am
I Am, I Am, I Am
SYMBOLISM OF THE SONG
This song blows my mind and penetrates the depths of my heart each time I listen to it. When I first heard the last line of the chorus, “I Am,” I FREAKED OUT, remembering a realization I had only 2 weeks ago after creating phase 1 of my pathway for the Gospel according to John. I was doing some research on the mind-bending poetry from chapter one of the Gospel according to John, and while trying to make sense of all of the hinted parallel names + name meanings, it dawned on me I knew Jesus’ name meaning (“GOD with us” and “the LORD saves;” See Matthew 1:23-25), but I did not know God’s name meaning. And immediately, I looked it up and was led to Exodus 3, “The Burning Bush.” In this story, God appears to Moses at Mt. Sinai (the mountain of God) to commission him to deliver God’s people out of Israel.
‘Then Moses said to God, “Behold, when I come to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers (ancestors) has sent me to you,’ and they say to me, ‘What is His name?’ What shall I say to them?”
God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM”; and He said, “You shall say this to the Israelites, ‘I AM has sent me to you.’”
Then God also said to Moses, “This is what you shall say to the Israelites, ‘The LORD, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob (Israel), has sent me to you.’ This is My Name forever, and this is My memorial [name] to all generations.’” Exodus 3:13-15
the God of Israel’s name in Hebrew: “EHYEH” meaning “I AM WHO I AM” or “I WILL BE”
the LORD God in Hebrew: “YAHWEH” meaning “HE WILL BE”
So what does all of this mean? God’s name meaning is His self-revelation to humans, and displays His many [mind-bending] divine attributes and who He is as our God. God’s personal name “EHYEH,” translated “I AM,” means He is exactly who He has been [from the beginning], who He is [now], and who He will always be. As humans, we are only sometimes who we are, but this God, the ELOHIM of Elohim (KING of Kings) is the One being who simply is.
Every time I hear this song, “House on a Hill” I freak out because it is describing the character of God by referencing His divine name “I AM.” It’s so crazy to me that even just the name of God speaks to how category-shaking He is as a being. He is literally in everything, all the time + forever, and He is the One being who is actually trustworthy. He is the perfect + complete embodiment of every attribute that has ever existed. And if that doesn’t blow your mind…well it will one day.
As for me, well I’m so thankful we serve a God who cannot be understood by humans. I mean think about it, would God really be that awesome if we could fathom who He is/His divinity? Since I began to follow Jesus, I have grown undeniably obsessed with the mystery of God and His upside down kingdom. The curiosity to know more about who He is grows stronger in my heart each day. Although for now I know I can only partially understand who He is, that doesn’t inhibit my curiosity to constantly learn more about who He is by reading His Word, worshipping Him, and spending time with Him in the person of Jesus. When I do these things, He reveals Himself to me more and more, each time in a unique way.
CONCLUSION
If you are still reading, thank you. I know I took you all over the place (in the context of my project), but this is the first time I have written such a detailed synopsis of one of my projects! I enjoy revealing the “secrets” of my work to people who want to hear. It is a lot, but that’s because the work I make is concept-forward. I have been telling my professors + classmates this quarter, “the work I make is 99% research and 1% art.” I enjoy making art that has layers of meaning, symbolism, and parallels because for me, it’s incredibly exciting to make art that has the potential to impact the viewer in ways that secular art never will. The work I make is not great because I am great. The work I make is only great because it is commissioned to me from the Holy Spirit, who empowers me + works through me (I am only the vessel). He is the great I am.
Then the word of the LORD came to Jeremiah the second time, while he was still confined in the court of the guard, saying,
“Thus says the LORD who made the earth, the LORD who formed it to establish it—the LORD is His name,
‘Call to Me and I will answer you, and tell you [and even show you] great and mighty things, [things which have been confined and hidden], which you do not know and understand and cannot distinguish.’” Jeremiah 33:1-3
